I think the hardest thing I am dealing with right now is how alone I feel. That I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel because they think I’m silly. And I started to have a panic attack today, which really just consists of nonstop crying, and not being able to catch my breath. But I just realized how there is no one. No one that I can tell all my thoughts to, and for them to not judge me. Because they see it one sided, that she just got dumped. Not that it’s anything more than that. Not that she had her heart ripped out after he thought she hurt him, and so he has tried his hardest to hurt her much worse as a result. And she takes it. She takes it and believes that in time, this will all work out. She wants it to work out. Because she is in denial about believing that the boy who brought her so much joy, is the boy who is bringing her so much pain.
She gets ideas stuck in her head. Things that circle around and around and even if she tries to shut it off, her subconscious reminds her in her dreams. Her subconscious is either really nice, making up scenarios that make the guy seem like he’s going to rescue her from all this, or want to break her more, where she dreams about the other girl, replacing her, taking what was hers, and both of them showing her how easy it is to do both of those things without so much as another thought.
But something that is stuck in my head: how could he have reached out to me, how can he tell me things he tells no one else, especially about how he feels alone, depressed, like there’s no one around him, even when he was already dating the other girl, still he left alone, and yet we’re still be in this spot. How can he get around me, have those feelings for me, and deny that they have any sort of meaning? How can he pretend that this is all one sided? That it is just me liking him, when every time I’m with him, I might make the first move, but how far it goes depends on him. I can easily stop myself, I know what to tell myself, and control myself, as does he. But instead of face all of this, face how he truly feels, and that is how hurt he feel, how upsetting this is, how alone you can allow yourself to get, how can he deny that not having me there is the reasoning? How can he pretend to move on, give his feelings of wanting to feel affection to someone else, when he has told me that he isn’t over me yet? How can he continue to hurt me and himself? Because as I’ve said since I’ve known about her, which has been a while, gut feelings are always right you know, she is filling a void. She is a body, which you like, you’re attracted to the small framed short girls, and she is not going to be able to fill your void completely. You already see that when you get depressed, which you’ve been. It’s more than just being comfortable with me, and you know that too.
It hurts. It hurts so fucking much to have the person you want to be with, not there. I know it as well as you do. And I hope that when you can’t take it anymore, when you still feel hurt a bit from now, you’ll come running, because you know I’ll always be waiting, regardless of never telling you that. Never wanting you to know that’s what it truly would be, how I would be.
I told you I repeat myself because that’s how my head works. It’s even more than that. I repeat myself because I chicken out on the other things I want to say to you. I want to tell you how upset you make me, how you broke someone who considered themselves to be so strong, how I do not trust you, and that’s something I have never had to question. That makes me the most upset. How this boy, who when I look at I see the world, has become nothing more than just like every other guy. The one who I thought was so much better than any guy. Do you think other people do that? Do other girls look at you and see the world? Get stars in their eyes about you? Sure, they might find you attractive but its always been so much more than that with me. It’s been about your mind, the way you speak, the way you laugh, how you always try to get others to laugh, how regardless of how big you are you dance so creepily, how your heart is huge, the love you have for puppies and freak out as much as I do when you see a cute one, the way you hold babies and get obsessed with them, the love you have for your family, the way you can let loose in the car when a good song comes on, how much love you gave back to me.. I’ll stop. Because this is embarrassing. But last thought: your scent. Not the body spray you wear or your deodorant.. or lack there of because I remember too many times I’ve tucked my head in your armpit and had my face smell like BO… hahah but each person has their very own smell. And yours is intoxicating. But even with all of that, I get to think about how that boy, has lied to me, again and again when I begged him to stop. To do all these things behind my back, watch me cry in front of you, how can you handle that? How can you not feel so guilty? Because I’m not just some girl. I was the girl. The girl who grew up with you, has had millions of first with you, and at one point the girl you were madly in love with.
These past few months are embedded in my mind. The things I think about this summer are, you telling me you still have feelings and then can hurt me so much. I guess what I think is this: I’m drowning, and you’ve told me you’re drowning and I think we can save each other, but at this point, all we do is hurt each other more and more.
You drove me crazy for months. You’ve turned me into a girl who has trust issues and constantly worrying instead of being carefree like I was before with you. You made me feel worthless, because I was with someone for four years and he told me all these reasons as to why he’s not with me, when it was just because he started to like someone else, and then when he’s with me, he makes me feel like i’m still something special to him. He calls me when hes upset and feeling lonely because I’m still the same person. I’m the person that knows him best, was his best friend and someone that could talk to him about anything, and the reason we can’t be friends is really two things. 1. I can’t sit here and watch you be with someone else, especially when you tell me the things you tell me, and 2. i wont belittle what we had. Perhaps you cant see it for what it was, but if you remember our relationship at its highest, it was incredible. And to have that, and to make it nothing more than a friendship, it belittling our four years. Because I already feel that way with how easily you’ve replaced me, because I should have meant more than to move on to your next as fast as you did. I’m still the same girl, and thats what happens when I’m around you, and we each let our guard down, because mine is up as well. I hate getting hurt but I keep doing it to myself because I believe the sweetheart in you got lost. He saw something infront of him that he missed because the girl was far away, and so the easy closer option appeared better, but he left himself feeling lonely and depressed. And its easy, easy to see how i could make all of that disappear. How i could have been the person you chose to be with all summer, how you would feel the same way towards me that you believe you do with her. Because there is no reason to be mad at me or hold a grudge, because anyone could have see that i didnt know i was hurting you. Everything we were going through was brand new to both of us, and when you have a problem, you have to tell me. Just how you can tell me your fears, how you can tell me your stressers, you can tell me when I make you mad.
What did I tell myself today when I couldn’t stop crying? How could I possibly think that this will get better— as in we? Do you know how easy this is for you? You live everyday without me. Nothing is different. Two years of nothing with me and so getting rid of me is like nothing. But for me, it’s everything, and that kills.
What sparked the panic attack: feeling alone: is because I’m going back. I’m going back to a place Ive never felt was home. I don’t feel home anywhere anymore. I felt home in your heart, and that’s gone. So I’m going back to a place that I will continue to feel alone at. And Im not mentally prepared for that.
I desperately want to tell you all of this. But why? Because I know that it doesn’t matter. Nothing changes, I just hurt myself more. Each and every time I hurt more.
So with the passing of Robin Williams, which has hit pretty hard for me, I continue to see the quote he says in the movie Good Will Hunting. He’s sitting on the picnic bench with Matt Damon and he tells Matt’s character that he doesn’t “know about real loss because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.”
I do understand real loss.
So, I’m nervous to go back to Gainesville, because my home isnt anywhere anymore. But you, you have turned your life completely over. You don’t have the same friends, the same girlfriend, you have a different home, go to a different school, you dont have the same job, nothing is what it was for you. You have no comfort, no one to talk about everything thats changed and how scary that is, because the girl who would listen to it all, she hurts too much. She wants to be there for you more than anything, but her role in your life is bigger than you want to admit it to being. And she wont accept less.